It was six o clock on a Sunday morning, and I was awake since 4. Although quite unusual, this had been happening for a month . I had almost become an insomniac. Stress , anxiety and tension, all three were taking a toll on my sleep, my health and my entire life.
I had been trying to finish a book for a year. After many iterations, corrections and rework, I have fairly completed it . I wish I could say that, because I was stuck at probably the toughest and most critical part of the story. And If I couldn’t finish the book soon, I suspect that this insomnia would cause havoc . I had to finish it today.
Actually, my character and I , we both were stuck almost at the same stage. He had also been writing a book for a year now, on himself. Journey of an oblivious kid into the world of unknown where he realises the necessity of finding himself. But realisation alone was not enough. It required certain amount of mental strength, focus, perseverance and discipline to make the realisation a reality, to decide what actually to do, and he felt he was lacking all of those. He was stuck there, so was i.
All the years in school, four years of engineering and finally two years of MBA , he spent within a reality which he mentally created for himself. A very convenient one, which had very bleak reflection of the reality in which the rest of the world was living.
Books, Cinema , Cigarette , occasional Alcohol and friends were things which helped him survive all these years. Idea of aspiration , making it big in life were just another convenient ideas which always made a good topic for conversation, nothing more than that. Idea of success was overlooked and incorrectly defined with the false ideals that drove his life for a long long time . He was happy, for all wrong reasons that he did not know even existed .
But post MBA , life did not remain same. An hour long conversation on movie or books was not making him happy , as it used to do before… and it was trouble, his world was falling down . he needed to act fast , and there was the problem, he did not know what to do.
When things start falling down , gravity takes over and it becomes very difficult win over it. Everything started falling apart. Insecurity crept in… concentration, focus, purpose all became distant reality.
There is a unique quality in human nature. No matter how severe a fight you fight inside your mind, you learn to keep up an outer appearance which seems absolutely normal. He also learnt the same. He was doing everything like others , imitating rather. Another reality was creating. He was learning to co-exist with the conflict. And then she came in his life.
She did not know this, but she was helping him to forget the pain of the continuous conflict. He saw a ray of happiness somewhere. Started running towards it without realising whether it was real or rather only a mirage. Soon the later one became true. But again , reality did not dawn upon him like a pleasant autumn morning. It came with thunder and poured heavily and taking his sand castle away with it.
It was like a slap on the face this time. One apparently innocent message showed him his position. He realised that he did not pass any single criteria which defined success. Why would anyone be with him?
Where is the grit, the focus , the stubbornness that he always thought good to have but not necessary ?
Where is that decision making capability , the perseverance to achieve which makes a man, where are all these ? What happened to him.
There was only one way of finding out , introspection. But how how how ?
Even I did not know that. And that is where we both are stuck.
I tried every possibility but nothing seemed to be working. And while I was about to give up to the despair, life showed me the way. First time in my life my job was in danger. Suddenly I had nothing else to lose, and surprisingly I was not scared, rather I felt the need to prepare, for the future.
This opened my eyes. When you are stuck against the wall, your only way is to move forward. So far I had read about these things, but for the first time in my life I realised it. This was exactly what I needed.
What is the biggest thing you fear of losing ? Your own life … What if you know that you are going to die in next one hour , what would you do in last one hour ? You would do exactly what you wanted to do with your life. How ? Because at that time you would know, as you just won your biggest fear , nothing holds you back anymore.
I knew i had to do exactly the same thing. While I was looking for a window of uninterrupted one hour suddenly Balgi came and told he would be going out for an hour .
The time was right. I thought I was ready , but I was not. I got scared, but I had to do it.
I got the kitchen knife , spread a sheet of plastic on the study table, put my writing pad and pen on it and kept looking at my left wrist while holding the knife on the other.
Time was passing and I thought what if Balgi does not come back in an hour. I did not want to die. I was doing this only one purpose , to find the purpose. What was the point in dying. How would I create a master piece which I realised i would, the moment I took the knife in my hand.
But It was necessary to slit the nerve… just to be sure… I shed all the thoughts away and prayed that Balgi comes back in an hour… and pressed the knife on the wrist.
It is little more than an hour now . I know what my character wants . He wants to be one of the finest writers on the earth, he wants to create his master piece. But I can’t pull my head up, my vision got blurred, how do I write these things down ? I can only put it on the paper if Balgi comes on time , opens the door and take me to hospital … without fail.