It is six o clock on a Sunday morning, and K has been awake since 4. This has been happening for a month now. He has almost become an insomniac. Stress , anxiety and tension, all three are taking a toll on his sleep, his health and his entire life.
K has been trying to finish a book for a year. After many iterations, corrections and rework, it is hardly completed, because he is stuck at probably the toughest and most critical part of the story. And If he can’t finish the book soon, he suspects that this insomnia will cause havoc . He has to finish it today.
Actually, K and his main character , they both are stuck almost at the same stage. K calls him S. In the book, S has also been writing a book for a year now, on himself. Journey of an oblivious kid into the world of unknown where he realises the necessity of finding himself. But he also understands that realisation alone is not enough. It requires certain amount of mental strength, focus, perseverance and discipline to make the realisation a reality, to decide what actually to do, and he feels he is lacking all of those. S is stuck there, so is K.
All the years in school, four years of engineering and finally two years of MBA , S spent within a reality which he mentally created for himself. A very convenient one, which had very bleak reflection of the reality in which the rest of the world is living.
Books, Cinema , Cigarette , Alcohol and friends were things which helped him survive all these years. Idea of aspiration , making it big in life were just few convenient ideas which always made a good topic for conversation, nothing more than that. Idea of success was overlooked and incorrectly defined with the false ideals that drove his life for a long long time . He was happy, for all wrong reasons that he did not know even existed .
But post MBA , life did not remain same. An hour long conversation on movie or books was not making him happy , as it used to do before… and it was trouble, his world was falling down . he needed to act fast , and there was the problem, he did not know what to do.
When things start falling down , gravity takes over and it becomes very difficult win over it. Everything started falling apart. Insecurity crept in… concentration, focus, purpose all became distant reality.
There is a unique quality in human nature. No matter how severe a fight you fight inside your mind, you learn to keep up an outer appearance which seems absolutely normal. S also learnt the same. He was doing everything like others , imitating rather. Another reality was creating. He was learning to co-exist with the conflict. And then she came in his life.
She did not know this, but she was helping him to forget the pain of the continuous conflict. He saw a ray of happiness somewhere. Started running towards it without realising whether it was real or rather only a mirage. Soon the later one became true. But again , reality did not dawn upon him like a pleasant autumn morning. It came with thunder, it poured heavily and took his sand castle away with it.
It was like a slap on the face this time. One apparently innocent message showed him his position. He realised that he did not pass any single criteria which defined success. Why would anyone be with him?
Where is the grit, the focus , the stubbornness that he always thought good to have but not necessary ?
Where is that decision making capability , the perseverance to achieve which makes a man, where are all these ? What happened to him.
There was only one way of finding out , introspection. But how how how ?
Even K does not know that. And that is where they both are stuck.
K tried every possibility but nothing seemed to be working. And while K was about to give up to the despair, life showed him the way. He was out of his job.
He has nothing else to lose now, and surprisingly he is not scared, rather K felt the need to prepare, for the future.
This opened his eyes. He is stuck against the wall, and his only way is to move forward. So far he has read about these things, but for the first time in his life he realises it. This is exactly what he needed.
What is the biggest thing anyone fears of losing ? His or her own life … What if they know that they are going to die in next one hour , what would they do in last one hour ? They would do exactly what they wanted to do with their lives. How ? Because at that time they will know, as they just won your biggest fear , nothing will hold them back anymore.
K has been thinking about this for some days now. What if for an hour he knows that he is about to die, will he know what he wants to do with life ? Will S know what he wants to do with his ?
K calls B and asks if he can come to his place after an hour, it is important. He does not disclose much and keeps the phone.
After getting kitchen knife , K spreads a sheet of plastic on the study table, puts his writing pad and pen on it and keeps looking at the left wrist while holds the knife on the other.
Time is passing . he is worried if Balgi does not come back in an hour. He does not want to die. He is doing this for only one purpose , to find the purpose.
Now It is necessary to slit the nerve… just to be sure… K sheds all the thoughts away and prays that B comes in an hour… and he presses the knife on the wrist.
It is little more than an hour now and B has not come yet. But now K knows what S wants . S wants to be one of the finest writers on the earth, he wants to create his master piece, as does K. But K can’t pull his head up, his vision is blurred. A distant sound of doorbell reaches his ears but he sees that he forgot to keep the key outside the door and it is lying on the table.
How will he write what is in his head ? He can only put it on the paper if B remembers to get the spare key from the car , opens the door and takes him to hospital … without fail.